Memorial created 12-11-2011 by
Courtney Cherese Coin
July 28 1988 - November 8 2011
Courtney's personal Journal excerpts...
"I am a waste of time, resources, and space...I am dirty, filthy...dumb. Hello, there. I am Courtney. I am here, but I am far away. I am alone. I am an animal, with animal instincts minus self preservation.
Today is September 6th. I saw an apparition outside walking - right in front of me! The day before, I was hearing voices and other unexplainable noises (a woman's voice)
Depression is going to kill me. I am incapacitated."
"I don't know what to do anymore...Nothing is okay....I am no one - the Nobody.... I am broken...can no one fix me? I am alone....I feel guilty."
"I feel as guilty as a liar. I am tired of the person I've become. I am an alien, or I once was."
"Somewhere it all went wrong, guidance is what I need, but guidance, in my case, is unattainable. I don't know how to lead this life. I don't know how to live. I need to go away. I need to go there. For every thought of good there's a million bad that take its place. Living has become more of a burden than anything. I am sorry, but I cannot do this anymore. They can't help me. No one can, but that's not anyone's fault but my own. Just because I do not love myself, or my life, doesn't mean that I don't love others. There are so many that I hold dear to my heart, and I will miss all of you...so much."
"I'm so sick of myself. I just want to be free. I live in a place much like nowhere. So far away from everyone else, so different, so slow its fast here. Yes, this is nowhere and here I am LOST!"
"Hello again, its me. I'm not who I want to be and my depression will kill me. I lack any potential and I've lost all ambition. I know nothing but intuition. Loser, Loser, LOSE!"
"Ive been trying to leave my legacy in words & images, but all I have is a pen cap chewed completely on the end. Useless forced phrases & metaphors...in the end there won't even be as much as a memory of me left. Oh well, it doesn't really even matter. I just wanted to help people, impact them in a way that they question, or start to question life & different things. I just wanted my life to leave some sort (any positive) of impact. Instead, I will just disappear...to be as though I never was. A life wasted...this is my fear. The days & months keep slipping by, but all I've done is try...try to change my ways, try to be somebody, but there's nothing there, at least nothing good. I am incompetent. I'm destined to be no one. All I want is to contribute something, anything good."
"All day I have felt suicidal. It has taken me all day to get to the point I am now. It's 3:30pm and I don't feel like I'm about to kill myself. I feel adequately distracted. At this point the suicidal thoughts & tendencies have returned, its 6:00pm btw. I feel like scum...a waste. I feel as though I'll never find who I'm supposed to be. I just feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, anxiety, self loathing. It's hard...hard to function...hard to try and be normal. I live like an animal, reduced to the most basic animalistic instincts/behaviors. It's embarrassing what I've become. I regret waking in the mornings. I constantly think of how easy it would be for me to try and O.D. on all the medications I've been prescribed. Nothing seems ok anymore."
"I can feel myself slipping into an even darker darkness, a deeper state of depression. All that's left is the guilt and the hatred & the want to end it all. Today has turned into yesterday already & conditions are about the same. Depression took the best of me & it won't give it back. Everyday has become a battle: Life VS Death. I can't even function normally on a regular basis. The battle is never ending & quite exhausting. NOTHINGS RIGHT..."
"I fear I have lost my creativity and that is the only thing I have & need to thrive & succeed. My art is important to me. I feel like I was meant to make art to share it with others and encourage individuality, & creativity in others, but at this point I feel hopeless & incapable of such a task, even if it is my destiny. Then I fear it's not...what would I do then? I'm unable to control my own thoughts, which is also an unpleasant feeling."I can't concentrate, and I can't sit still. I feel like I can't make it through a minute.
There's nothing to console my uneasy soul. No TV show can keep my attention.
Nothing interests me slightly. Every attempt at listening to music makes me sad, as well as every attempt at playing it.
Drawing is out of the question; I can't focus, and my creativity is completely stifled.
This pen and paper is all I have, just nothing, no thought worthy to connect the two.
I need a soul mediator, a healer.
"THROW ME AWAY... I AM NOTHING... BUT ART, MUSIC IS EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL! I WILL NEVER REACH MY POTENTIAL BECAUSE MY POTENTIAL DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!!!"
"I've struggled my whole life to grasp an intelligence that I cannot attain."
"I am lost and no one can save me. My fate depends on a pill that may or may not exist. For me, there's not much hope to be had. Death has come over me; it hovers around me. A cloud of doom, thick, foggy gloom. I've fallen so far down down....to the bottom, to the last breath of my existence."
On November 8th, 2011 Courtney could not fight the battle any longer. She had to find her peace that she so longed for. Courtney's Darkness overtook her that day!
My precious baby girl ended her pain with a single shot through the heart with a 9mm handgun.
The handgun was purchased by Courtney, three days after discharging from a Psychiatric Unit that she was admitted to for Suicidal Ideation.
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